It's Always Darkest Before Dawn

Emily,
It was such a blessing to recieve a letter from you. It truely came at the perfect time! I would love to tell you what’s been happening in my life since the last time I’ve seen you!

The begining of the Summer I spent being a silly teenager! Parties, sleepovers, enjoying my last summer at home and careless! When July hit I had a rude awakening, and relized that all of the so called “fun” I was having was not who I was… So I went ahead and took all of the negitive people out of my life, (which was almost everyone!) and put it all into God’s hands.

Right after this, I went on my first CYE (Catholic Youth Expedition) and I met such wonderful people. I went on three retreats this past Summer, and I now relize that although I lost a lot of friendships, God replaced them with something so much bigger and better, he gave me a family.. So many brothers and sisters that love and care for me immencly.. They don’t care how I dress, or what kind of music I listen to. They love me as a sister in Christ. I feel so blessed!

Right now, I have to unfortunatly say that I am going through the most difficult time of my life. My parents are getting a divorce after 22 years of marrige. My mom finally opened up about how much my father has abused us over the years, and isn’t taking it any longer.

About a month ago I found out that he has been doing drugs. We all continued putting up with him until this past weekend. I was gone on retreat when the situation got to the breaking point. My mom called me on my way back and informed me that he left and wasn’t coming back. He took most of our money, and his so called “fishing trips” were really him spending time with his girlfriend.

I guess that what broke me the most was to know that he had an affair. The woman he is with now has had her name changed four times, and his thousands of dollars in debt. Why, I wonder, would he go from such a beautiful woman to such a broken one? I suppose her and my father can be broken together.

Anyways, when I returned home from retreat he called my mom and said he didn’t know where he was, but he had a gun and he was going to kill himself. Though this wasn’t the first time he had threatened it before, or attempted, it was still startteling to hear him saying such a thing.

Since then, all I know is he has been in a mental institution. We think that the police took him in, but we don’t know for sure. We have been working with the abuse shelter, on monday we got a restraining order, and tuesday my mom began the divorce process.

Although all of this is happening, I do feel quite a bit of peace. I was sitting in the chapel right after I found out, and I knew, without a doubt, God was present in my heart. I felt Him speaking to me… Telling me that finally, FINALLY I am all His. I am His daughter, nobody elses! And then we danced. I was in a beautiful dress, and it was perfect. What I had always wanted from my father— to be his little princess.

The next morning when I was coming home from school, I was really upset about everything that was happening. So I turned on the radio, and the first song that came on was perfect… Exactly what I needed:

She spins and she sways
To whatever song plays
Without a care in the world
And I’m sitting here wearing
The weight of the world on my shoulders

It’s been a long day
And there’s still work to do
She’s pulling at me
Saying “Dad, I need you

There’s a ball at the castle
And I’ve been invited
And I need to practice my dancing
Oh, please, Daddy, please?”

So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
‘Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh, I will dance with Cinderella
I don’t want to miss even one song
~Cinderella, Steven Curtis


I’m so scarred Emily. I’m scared of him wanting to kill me, or himself, or something terrible happening. I’m trying to give it to God, and offer up all of these sufferings, but it is so difficult. As I am writing this, he is trying to call my mom for the first time in a week. He isn’t allowed to because of the restrainging order, but it’s clearly not stopping him. I’ve been sleeping with a knife next to my bed, and trying to PRAY as much as I can, and with fervor.. But it won’t stop.

It’s like every hour of the day I am finding out more and more about him that makes me hate him even more… Makes me question my entire life and everything he has said or done to my brother, my mom and myself.

God will never give us anything that we can’t handle, right..?

I want you to know that I have been trying my hardest to stop self harming. It’s been difficult, but I am slowly getting rid of my ”supplies” that I was using. I am also working on getting off of my depresion and anxiety medication.

Emily, in my heart I feel more and more that maybe God is calling me to live a religioius life. As I write this, I can’t help but smile. Smile knowing that through all of this, I know that He is with me! I’ve been looking a lot into the Nashville Dominicans. I was e-mailing with the Vocation Director awhile back, but I got nervous and haven’t sent her a message back in quite awhile!